All My Fanfics
by hermyandronforevr
Summary: This is a fic making fun of cliches in the fanfics of today. I’ll hit everything from Ron and Hermione to slash from songfics to whatever pops into my mind. Ch 9 up!
1. The Sexy Chapter

**Well, this is a new thing I'm trying. This is a fic making fun of clichés in the fanfics of today. I'll hit everything from Ron and Hermione to slash; from songfics to whatever pops into my mind. If you have any requests of something you'd like me to put in the fic then by all means, please put it in your review and I'll be happy to add it. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of J.K. Rowling's characters and I receive no money for writing this.**

**Please do not be offended by anything you read in this fic. I'm making fun of myself in some ways too because as a fanfic writer myself, I know how helpful plot devices can be.**

**All My Fanfics**

**Chapter 1: The sexy chapter **

Hermione lay on her bed quietly admiring her beautifully French manicured two-inch long nails. Her super curly hair was now permanently straightened by a spell that she had not been able to discover until the summer after her sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She sat up and adjusted her "You suck and that's sad" _Happy Bunny _t-shirt over her huge boobs. She'd amazingly gone from a B-cup to a C-cup in just a week and none of her shirts seemed to fit anymore. She was well on her way to a D-cup and in no time she'd have to have her bras specially made. If she decided she needed to wear one eventually.

She closed her trunk and dragged it downstairs. Her father said nothing as he silently drove his daughter to King's Cross station. This was either because the authors can't form a personality for Mr. Granger because he's not in the books often enough, or he was mute and hadn't spoken in six years.

Hermione saw her best friends, Harry and Ron. They were running…okay, okay, sprinting vicariously toward Platform 9¾. They were about a hundred yards away but they thought they should get a head start. Hermione began to jog steadily toward them with her breasts bouncing painfully.

She met them in a compartment on the train and yelled, "Geez! You could've waited for me! It's not easy to run in high heels, tight jeans, a too-small shirt, a thong, and no bra!"

"Well, _sooooorry_," Ron mumbled. He and Harry smiled.

They had definitely matured in body if not mind. (Here comes the inevitable line!) Quidditch had really done them good. They were tall, sexy, handsome, sexy, muscled, and did I mention sexy?

Hermione bit her lip as Ron ran a hand through his sexy red hair. He turned around and bent over for no apparent reason. Hermione reached her hand out and was two centimeters away from grabbing his incredibly sexy ass when he suddenly jerked back up. Hermione's hand snapped back to her lap. Her lip was bleeding slightly.

"So how was your summer, 'Mione?" Harry asked, as Ron sat down beside him. He used the obvious nickname that would be used if Hermione had a nickname. Although in the books the only nickname that she ever came close to having was "Hermy."

"I didn't do anything but get this gorgeous tan, straighten my hair, and develop these _huge_ mammograms!" she answered. "What did you do?"

"Just lifted weights and played Quidditch so I could get this awesome bod!" Harry replied flexing his muscles.

"Same here," Ron stated lifting his shirt so she could see his six-pack.

Hermione moaned and dug her claw-like fingernails into the cushion of the seat. Over the summer her hormones had kicked in and she found just the appearance of teenage male boys extremely arousing. All of the sudden, Crookshanks meowed. Somehow, Hermione had completely ignored the fact that she had a pet and would have left the cat if it hadn't hitchhiked its way to the train station. She petted him and yawned.

She was calmly examining Ron's sexy sexiness when the compartment door swung open. The eerily sexy Draco Malfoy and his not-so-sexy friends Crabbe and Goyle entered. Draco was now good because there's no way that anyone can write anything about him unless he's been convinced over to the good side. He may even be a spy. Let's continue and find out.

Hermione was instantly aroused. Draco's formally hardened gelled hair was now soft and flowing and it hung down over his gorgeous icy cold eyes. Hermione crossed her legs and held them together tightly. Just looking at that sexy Slytherin beast made her close to the brink of orgasm.

"What do you want Malfoy?" Harry snapped. He stood up.

"And what do you think you're going to?" Malfoy said. He flicked his head back in slow motion making his sexy blonde hair flip around sexily.

Hermione fell off of her seat. "Good God!" she yelped. She was beginning to ache with horniness.

"I'm going to fight you!" Harry yelled.

"Yeah, well bring it!" Draco shouted. He had suddenly developed some courage over the past few minutes which was either due to his own muscles matching that of Harry's or the extreme amount of marijuana he'd consumed. Ron jumped up beside Harry and pulled up his pants (which were about five times too big). Crabbe and Goyle cracked their knuckles but didn't say anything because they aren't important enough to have anything to say.

"This isn't right!" Hermione screamed. They all stared at her. "You can't fight!" she yelped whilst bouncing.

It took the boys a few seconds to realize what she had said because they were all staring at her boobs.

"Why not?" Ron asked.

"Because you're not covered in mud!" she said.

They were going to protest but the train came to a screeching halt. The three Slytherins were flung out of the compartment and the door slammed behind them. Hermione grabbed her pussy (Crookshanks) and was the first out of the door. Ron and Harry followed.

When they entered the Great Hall they saw Professor McGonagall carrying the three-legged stool wearing the Sorting Hat to the front of the room. Hermione took her seat next to Ron. This made him very happy. She made a point of bending over in front of him before sitting down.

A long line of first years entered in single file and stood nervously in front of the Great Hall and all of the students. The Sorting Hat erected and came to life. It began to sing.

"_I'm quite old and limp_

_Viagra won't do the trick_

_I used to be quite the pimp_

_Now I'm never the pick_

_But now you're here _

_And you're sure to get laid_

_Don't have a fear_

_Most don't expect to get paid_

_You might belong in brave Gryffindor_

_Where you will be well accepted_

_You're sure to find a slut or whore_

_Bondage ain't a problem, so be perceptive _

_Maybe it'll be clever Ravenclaw_

_Where they will teach you well_

_Karma Sutra is considered a law_

_They're all clean as far as we can tell_

_Possibly you're a loyal Hufflepuff_

_Role play is important though_

_Sex toys, feathers, a vibrator and stuff_

_The most you'll hear is "OOOOH!"_

_Though it could be ambitious Slytherin_

_Hot and bothered all the time_

_Those girls are likely to pull you in_

_And a minute man you won't find_

_So let me see_

_How kinky you are_

_Put your head in me_

_Hope you get far._"

Then the hat became limp again. Professor McGonagall called out the names of the new students in alphabetical order and they were sorted into the appropriate houses. When everyone was seated, Professor Dumbledore stood up and got everyone's attention.

"Welcome, students!" he said happily. "Our new year has begun! As you may already know, I've picked the Head Boy and Girl for this year. Head Girl is obviously Hermione Granger." Hermione arched her back and pushed her chest up so everyone could see her Head Girl badge gleaming on her shirt. The girls filed their nails and ignored her but the boys clapped loudly and stared at the badge in admiration. Professor Dumbledore continued, "And our Head boy is Draco Malfoy. The boys' jaw dropped in anger and the girls squealed with glee and/or arousal as Draco flipped his hair in slow motion. "Now, as _everyone _knows (although it's never ever been brought up before and never even been eluded to) the Head Girl and Boy share a dormitory so they will be able to 'work more efficiently.'" He said these last words while making quotation marks in the air with his fingers and winking.

Dumbledore said other things that weren't really important and they ate food and talked.

Hermione showed the first years and all the other years to the Gryffindor Common Room. Everyone except Harry, Ron, and Hermione went to their dorms. Hermione sighed and said, "I'm really going to miss this place."

"Yeah," Harry said. "But you can come back anytime me and Ron want you to."

"Don't you mean anytime _I _want to?" Hermione asked.

"No," Harry said simply. He turned and walked up the boys' staircase.

Ron stared at her. She stared back. Ron stared at her breasts. She stared at his pants. Suddenly, Ron sexily lunged at her and connected their mouths. Hermione moaned and kissed him back. After a sexy five minutes Hermione realized she couldn't breathe so she pulled away. "I've got to go," she said sadly. Ron licked his lips and nodded.

She turned and crawled out of the portrait hole. When she reached the dormitory that she and Draco would be sharing she paused and braced herself. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door open and stepped in. She saw a nice little Common Room with a warm fire burning in the fireplace. Draco was laying sexily on the couch in a position that of Fabio on the cover of a Romance novel. He was wearing nothing but silver and green silk boxers.

Hermione's breath caught in her chest as she stared at the sexy Slytherin. He was so…sexy. She felt the familiar feeling of wanting and ache between her legs as she stared at his sexiness. She braced herself again and closed the door. She decided to just ignore the sexy bastard and go to her room. She made it all the way to the door and was about to open it when Draco spoke.

"Going to bed so early?" he asked sexily.

Hermione crumpled to the floor in near orgasm and moaned. "No," she squeaked.

"Then come sit beside me," he said. He patted the place beside him on the couch. She thought for a moment then decided to obey him. She had to crawl to the couch though because she didn't think her vagina would allow her to stand. When she reached the couch she pulled herself up and sat beside him, making sure her legs were crossed.

"Can I ask you something?" Draco drawled in a sexy way.

Hermione whimpered, pushed her legs closer together in pain, and nodded.

"Are you a virgin?" he asked abruptly.

She nodded.

"Really?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "Who would I have slept with?"

"Krum?"

"Ew!" she shrieked. "I didn't really like him. But I was only a A-cup then and I knew no one else would ask me."

Draco's eyes immediately went to her breasts. He licked his lips. She saw him do this and fell off the couch. She climbed back up and looked at Draco. He leaned into her sexily and put his hand on her knee. He leaned closer and his hand went up to her thigh. Hermione held her breath. His hand was moving closer and closer up. She couldn't breathe. Draco's mouth was close enough to bite her lip. But she didn't know what to do. But, because she couldn't breathe, she had no choice but to pass out.

**Please review! I don't know how much I like this. It's okay. But tell me if I should continue or not.**


	2. The Green and Gold Chapter

**Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! All eight of you! LOL. I hope I get some more! I love you and appreciate it very much!**

**HBP- **LOL. No, I'm a horny 17 year old girl whose sex life has been put on hold. But that's not why I write this. LOL. Love ya!

**Falros- **I don't know. Quidditch could _maybe _build some muscles, especially for the beaters and the keeper. The reason I put it in there was because so many people use it and it gets on my nerves. Glad you like the story!

**Jessibelle- **I have put in your request. I hope it is to your liking. LOL. I do think you're over-analyzing the anatomy thing. Yes, I did already know that but I assumed that more of the readers would get the joke if I said vagina instead because it is true that a lot of people don't know that. I actually re-wrote that sentence many times before I got to that sentence. I wanted the readers to realize what I meant. LOL.

**Chapter 2: The Green and Gold Chapter**

Hermione stirred awake and looked around. She felt silk under her body and satin under her head. She pulled herself up and got a better look at her surroundings. The walls were painted green with silver trim and the bed she was in matched it. Everything in the room seemed to be either green or sliver and there were snakes carved in everything that was could be carved. Hermione almost threw up all over the neat bed.

"Good Lord," she said to herself. "I've died and gone to hell."

She jumped a little when Draco entered the room carrying a basin of water and a washcloth. He knelt beside her and dipped the green washcloth in the silver basin. He rung it out and dabbed her forehead gently.

"What the hell are you doing?" she asked as she slapped his hand away.

"I'm being sensitive," he answered, he moved to dab her forehead again.

She squirmed backwards on the bed and gave him a confused look. Though his voice was the same one that should have been making her grab the blankets on the bed and bite her bottom lip to keep from yelping, it did not have the same effect as before.

Draco sighed and placed the washcloth in the basin and put it on his bedside table. "I've overcome my mean, evilness and am now on the Light side and completely kind and generous and loving."

"Oh," was all Hermione could say. Her heart was melting at the kind wonderfulness that was the new Draco Malfoy. Sparkling butterflies flew into the window as soft angelic harp music fluttered about their ears and a rainbow became visible over the beautiful glow that was Draco's face.

Hermione snapped out of her trance brutally and yelled, "Hold it!" The butterflies scurried out of the window, the rainbow evaporated, the music disappeared, and Draco's face dulled. "I can deal with you being drop dead gorgeous. I can even deal with you being unbelievably and unnaturally sexy. And I can probably deal with your voice having the sexual grace of one Luther Vandrose but I _cannot_ deal with you being…" she paused as her face contorted into a disfigured look of disgust, "…_nice._"

Draco stood and began walk out of the room. Before he got even a centimeter out of the room when he turned around again and said, "Why?"

"Because," she replied, "you being horrible is part of your appeal. If you're nice then everything is taken down a notch and then you're just Oliver Wood."

Draco turned as green as his walls. His entire demeanor changed in just that one second and he looked at her in disgrace. "What are you doing in my room on my bed you disgusting, dreadful, despicable Mudblood? Get off my bed! Now I'm going to have to burn those beddings!"

Hermione smiled in contentment. Her body's reactions to his voice were now back to their old habits. "That was a lot shorter than your usual nasty insults," she stated.

"I ran out of mean words that start with D," he answered. "Now get out!" He pointed to his bedroom door.

Hermione pushed herself off the bed and stood. "Goodbye," he said coldly. Hermione's knees buckled and she fell to the floor. "NOW!" Draco insisted.

Hermione lay facedown on the green carpet. "Well, if you'd quit talking maybe I could!"

Draco said nothing as she took her hands and pulled herself out of the room. She lay on the floor trying to regain control of her orgasmic urges. When she finally did she got up and wobbled to her room. She pushed the door open slowly and was blinded by the shine of gold that bombarded her eyes. She fought her way through the extremity of the brightness and was able to reach her bed when her pupils had adjusted to the illuminating brightness of the gold paint.

She looked around her room when she was finally able to make out the objects that were amidst the gold glare. It looked pretty much like Draco's room except instead of being a pompous green and arrogant silver it was a brave scarlet and heroic gold. She had a dresser and a closet. The bed was soft, gold and scarlet, and of course heart-shaped. It would also vibrate if you bounced on it. She sighed as she looked over at her school books that lay neatly on her desk. Even though she'd changed in almost every other way, she was still very much into her school work and books because the authors feel that changing _that_ particular characteristic would be too far from canon.

She rolled over and looked at her beautiful model-thin reflection. Soft sappy music began to play as she stared at herself. She raised her arms slowly as she began her interpretive dance but there was a knock on the door and the music screeched to a halt. She climbed off her organ-shaped bed and went to open the door. Ron stood there with a bowl of assorted fruits and a large banner saying "Welcome Back Kotter."

"Kotter?" Hermione asked confused. "What the…?"

"I didn't have any money for a new banner," Ron began, "because I'm sad and poor and lonely because I'm sad and poor." He pouted and she hugged him tightly whilst pushing her breasts into him, exactly what he'd planned. Ron made a mental note to put his pinky finger by his mouth and laugh evilly later. He entered Hermione's room and placed the banner on her bed.

"So how is it here in pit of hell with Satan himself?" Ron asked as he sat on her bed.

"Eh, not so bad," she replied sitting down beside him.

"Hermione?" Ron said calmly.

Soft, romantic piano music began to play in the background.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know if it's because your wearing skimpy clothes, or your smooth hair, or your huge breasts, but I'm think in love with you."

Hermione paused at these words. She trembled as she turned to look at her best friend. Her friend that saved her from a troll. Her friend that protected her from Draco's mean name-calling. Her friend that she followed into the Whomping Willow to help when what they then thought to be an evil dog attacked him. Her friend that got jealous because she was with another guy. Her friend that helped her fight Death Eaters. Oh, and Harry was there too. The author just felt she should mention these things to show that she had in fact read the books.

Ron leaned in slowly and their lips were so close that she could've seen the metal particles on his braces, if he had braces and she had eyes on her lips. Hermione gasped and turned around. "I can't, Ron," she said.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm afraid it would ruin our friendship," she answered. "I don't want to loose you." Tears welled up in her eyes but her face remained completely beautiful. "I…just…can't…do…it…Ron!"

"Okay."

"No!" she yelled. "Don't try to change my mind. It's made up and there's nothing that you can say or do that will make me feel differently."

"Alright."

"Quit begging!" she screamed. "I'm sorry Ron but I can't ruin what we have."

"I understand."

"Oh, Ron!" Hermione blubbered. "Why do you have to be so persistent? I said no and I mean no!"

"Okay," Ron said, looking at his friend like she was a chicken with her head cut off.

"Ron!" Hermione yelped shrilly. She flung herself on the redhead and sobbed into his muscular shoulder. "I love you, too, Ron. But I just don't know what I would do if we broke up. So…so I think you should probably go." She pulled away and sniffled.

Ron got up and took one last glance at her. She fell to the floor and gasped for breath as she cried and sobbed into her scarlet carpet. He shook his head and left the room. She remained crying on the floor for a few minutes until she got up and looked at her bed. She burst into more extreme tears and hurled herself onto it. The impact of her body triggered the vibration sequence.

**Please review!**


	3. The Gay Chapter

**Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers. I love you dearly!**

**luna-tonks****- **Well, as you see I did slash in this chapter and I just don't think I could stand to do anymore of it. I don't have a problem with homosexuality but I don't like to see/read/write about it. But thank you for the suggestion and please keep suggesting things. I'm glad you heart this story.

**Jessibelle- **Yes, it is Vandross not Vandrose. And I knew that. But twas a typo. Ah, well…

**I don't read slash so this was difficult to write. But I had a friend tell me some of the clichés. I thank her very much. I don't think this chapter was that funny. But tell me what you think. I understand if you want to skip this chapter because of the fact that it deals with homosexuality but I do recommend that you at least read the last paragraph because you may be a little confused in later chapters if you don't. Those of you who do read slash please tell me how I did. Thanks.**

**Chapter 3: The Gay Chapter**

"You're gay!" Ron and Hermione gasped in unison to their friend.

"Maybe," Harry mumbled out of the corner of his mouth. "I'm so very confused."

"What do you mean maybe?" Ron burst. "Either you are or you're not! You don't like…fancy _me _do you?" He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Harry gave a small laugh at the way his best friend was acting. "No, Ron. If I am gay, I don't think redheads are my type."

"Homosexuality can be a very difficult and complex thing," Hermione started smartly. "There are some who are completely gay, while others are bisexual. And some like to be on the receiving end of sex because they feel that since they aren't the ones inserting the penis"

"No more of that!" Ron shouted whilst covering his ears with his hands.

"Oh, come on Ron," Hermione continued. "In this day and age talking about male on male sexual relations should be no problem. I mean most men have had situations where they've thought about what it would be like to have sex with another man and"

"Do you want me to hurl?" Ron interrupted. "'Cause I'll do it. Right here."

Hermione rolled her eyes. She looked back at Harry and said, "Have you experimented with anyone yet?"

Harry shook his head.

"Well, I think you should go to a gay bar. You can meet someone and maybe it'll help you find out if you're really gay or not."

Harry nodded.

"And we'll go with you," Hermione added.

"We will?" Ron said in a high-pitched voice.

Hermione, Harry, and Ron entered the club called "Tickle My Fancy" and sat down at the bar. Hermione ordered a whiskey, Ron ordered a straight Jack Daniels, and Harry ordered a white wine spritzer. He looked around the room to see if anything would prove that he was gay. Ron chugged his liquor, winced, slammed the glass down and said, "Hit me again Charlie."

The bartender smiled and commented, "My name is actually Ted. But I can be Charlie if you'd like." He winked and blew a kiss towards Ron.

Ron vomited on the floor. Harry was about to say something when the lights dimmed and a bright spot-light shined on the stage in the front of the club. Music began to softly play and someone with glittery blond hair and the body of a god walked out. He was wearing tight leather pants and see through purple long-sleeved shirt. He paused in the spot-light for dramatic effect and then raised a microphone to his beautiful lips. Harry quivered.

Ron looked up and gazed in amazement. "Hermione! Is that girl checking you out?"

"Oh yes," Hermione answered. "I suppose she is." She smiled at the girl.

"Doesn't that disturb you?"

"No," she answered. "It's flattering."

The music got louder and the blond began to move his hips backward and forwards in a thrusting motion. Harry began to convulse slightly at the sight of the movements. He gripped his rainbow colored napkin and stared with his mouth wide open at the sight. The blonde began walking a belted out the chorus of the song he was singing.

"It's rainin' men! Hallelujah! It's rainin' men!"

Harry fell from his seat. His penis was pounding with blood as his erection was growing like balloon being inflated. Hermione looked from Harry on the floor beside Ron's vomit, to the singing blond, to Ron's weeping figure. She gasped and leaned down to Harry.

"Do you know who that is?" she whispered.

Harry weakly shook his head.

"That's Malfoy!" she squealed.

Harry's eyes got huge as he stared at the blond. She was right. The singing gay sex god was none other than Draco Malfoy.

When the song was done he sauntered over to the bar and sat next to Harry. "Ah, someone hear has a skeleton in their closet," he sang happily. "And that skeleton is male, fabulously dressed, and very cultured."

"How did you"

"Gay-dar, Granger," Draco said to Hermione. "Most of us have it. Now, to see whom is the queer and whom is just plain not all there…" He examined Ron and Harry up and down. "Ah, well, I can see by the lack of blood in your face Weasley that you're basically repulsed by this whole scene. And by the lack of blood in your face, Potter, I can tell that you're absolutely elated by it." He smirked and motioned for the bartender to come over.

"I'd like a tequila with lime," he said. "Put it on the rocks, too." He turned back to the three friends. "So, why are we here then? Searching for a partner?"

"No," Harry replied. "Trying to figure out whether or no I want a…partner. And since when are you gay?"

"Ah, in denial are we," he said. "Well, let me help you out a little here Potter. If you're even here, then most like you _want _a partner. And I've always been gay. As gay as the day is long. Couldn't you tell?"

Harry averted his eyes and shook his head.

"Ooh, ooh!" Hermione squealed. "Look at him Harry. He's got a firm ass that's squeezable. You like him?"

"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed.

"Ah," Draco commented sipping on his tequila with lime. "His ass is nice. But his penis is the size of my pinky finger."

Harry, who was still on the floor because the author had forgotten he was down there, gaped at Draco. "You've had sex with him?"

"I've had sex with most of the men in here," he said. "Not only am I gay, I'm a slut. I'm a gay slut."

"How does you father feel about this?" Harry asked.

"Which part?" Draco questioned. "Me being gay, or me being a slut?"

"Both."

"Well, the gay part he could live without," he said. "He practically disowned me. But all Malfoys are sluts so that didn't bother him any. My mother was incredibly pleased with it. I think her exact words were: 'I always wanted a daughter.'"

Harry sighed.

Draco leaned over and kissed Harry right on the lips. Ron passed out and Hermione smiled and cooed, "Aaaww!"

She pulled Ron through the vomit that the author had forgotten existed and out the door. Draco and Harry kissed passionately at the bar. Draco's hand moved it's way onto Harry's knee and crept up his thigh. Harry moaned as it reached the place of no return.

"We should go to a room," Draco said as he pulled away.

"They have rooms?" Harry asked.

"Of course."

They walked up to the room that Draco was staying in and entered it. On the bed was a Star Wars blanket.

"You like Star Wars?" Harry asked confused. "But that's a Muggle…"

Draco quickly stripped his clothes off. Harry gasped at the girth of the sausage. He took one from the plate on the table and nibbled on it while Draco unclothed him. When he'd finished his sausage he then realized he was completely naked. Draco came towards him and began to kiss him again. After a few minutes he moved back a step and said, "Turn around."

Harry gulped. "Why?"

"I think you know why…"

Harry slowly turned around so that his back and other things were accessible to Draco.

"Now, bend over," Draco commanded.

"Oh, that's okay," Harry replied. "I can see the floor fine from here, thanks."

Draco placed one hand on Harry's warm back and another on his hip and gently pushed him so that he was bent over.

"Oh look, a sickle," Harry said as he stared at the floor. "And it's face up, you know what that meeeeeeeeeeans!"

The camera cut away to the fireplace where a fire burned warmly. On the cue "Let's Get It On" began to play softly in the background. A little while later Draco could be heard moaning, "The foooorce is with meeeee!"

Harry lay wrapped in the Star Wars covers looking at the ceiling as Draco puffed on a cigarette.

Harry awoke sweating and screaming. He reached under the covers and was very thankful that he didn't have an erection and that the sheets were completely dry. He sighed and worriedly glanced around the room. Everyone was asleep. No one would ever know that he had a dream that he was gay and he'd slept with Draco Malfoy.

**Please review!**


	4. The Illegal Chapter

**Chapter 4: The Illegal Chapter**

Hermione slowly pushed the door of the dungeons classroom and peeked in. Since it was incredibly hot in the dungeons that particular day she had decided to wear a miniscule mini-skirt that barely covered her buttocks and a tight mid-drift top that barely covered her breasts. She strutted in and sat down in a desk in the front of the classroom.

Professor Snape entered with his greasy, yet (to Hermione) sexy as hell, black hair hanging over his face. He looked up and she noticed his eyes widening at her appearance. She grinned. Everything was going exactly as planned.

The truth was that Hermione had had a very strong crush on Professor Snape ever since her first year at Hogwarts. She hid the fact by pretending to utterly loathe him in every way and the fact that he embarrassed her and treated her like a horribly annoying know-it-all turned her on even more.

The reason she had detention wasn't exactly important so the authors usually make up some excuse about her calling out answers and Snape just yelling "DETENTION!"

"Miss Granger," he said after clearing his throat several times. "Do you really think that outfit appropriate for detention?"

She softened her voice to a sexy whisper. "Do _you_ think it's appropriate for detention…_Severus_?"

Professor Snape cleared his throat several more times before saying, "Do you think it's appropriate for you to use my first name, Miss Granger?"

"Do _you _think it's…"

"Okay," Snape interrupted. "That's enough. Now, let's begin your detention."

"Yes," she replied. "Let's…"

She stood up and walked in front of the desk without taking her eyes off of her teacher that _was old enough to be her father! _She jumped up and crossed her legs seductively. Snape swallowed hard. She grinned at him.

"What do you want me to do, _Professor_?" she asked silkily. She leaned forward so that her cleavage showed over what little top she had.

She saw Professor Snape's hands shaking vigorously. She had the strong suspicion that he was a virgin because he was Snape…and who would sleep with Snape? Hermione, that's who.

She grinned broadly and got up. Without a word she kissed him lightly on the lips. She pulled away and looked at him. He paused a moment before attacking her mouth again. Hermione was very surprised to find that the Potions Master was a good kisser. She soon found out that the reason for his melancholy, cold disposition was that he had an extreme amount of sexual frustration pent up.

He removed Hermione's tiny shirt and massaged her breasts. She moaned as she unbuttoned his pants. This continued until they were both down to their underwear. Surprisingly they were wearing identical red leather thongs. Hermione grinned at her teacher and reached into her bag. She pulled out a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs. Snape looked worried. She gently took Snape's hand at led him to a chair. She sat him down and handcuffed his hands behind him to the chair.

She straddled him and pushed herself down on his visible erection. She smiled at the groaning noises that were escaping Snape's mouth. He looked up at her and swallowed hard.

"Are you a virgin?" he asked.

"Of course," she replied smiling. "Who would I have slept with?"

Snape nodded and eagerly pushed his hips up.

"Hold on," Hermione said. She got up and walked over to where her clothes were discarded onto the floor. She picked them up and looked at him.

"What are you doing?" he asked confused.

"Punishing you for giving me detention," she said. "Though I am now somewhat slutty, I am still extremely smart. Hence the fact that I just tricked you. Good luck explaining this when someone finds you. Goodbye professor."

She walked out of the dungeons. On the way out she passed Professor Dumbledore. A few seconds later she distinctively heard him yell, "Severus, not again!"

* * *

Hermione walked happily down the hall bouncing slightly so that her breasts moved. She was heading toward the Great Hall when she heard someone weeping loudly. She followed the noise and it brought her to an empty classroom. In it she was astonished to find her ex-Defense Against Dark Arts teacher, Professor R. J. Lupin curled up in the far corner crying into his hands.

Hermione walked in and made her way to him. When she reached him he looked up at her and wiped his eyes. "Oh, hello Hermione," he said giving her a forced smile.

"Hi, Professor Lupin," she said smiling back. "Why are you crying…and more importantly why are you here back at Hogwarts?"

"Well, I'm crying because I'm incredibly sensitive and tend to have bouts of crying and sobbing to release my emotions, which is perfectly healthy even though I'm a grown man. I'm back here at Hogwarts because Dumbledore wished to see me. How else am I to fit into the story?"

"Oh, I see," she said. She sat next to him and looked into his eyes. He stared back into hers penetrating her soul with his beautifully sad spirit. She felt her heart flutter and melt.

"I don't know why, Professor," she began, "but I'm strangely attracted to you at this moment."

"Of course you are," Lupin replied. "It's because we're both intelligent and I'm so laid back and calm. Plus my depressed characteristic makes me particularly appealing."

Hermione plunged at him and connected their mouths. She explored his mouth eagerly and climbed on top of him. Almost instantly she felt his erection pushing into her. She rocked her hips making him even harder. The fact that she'd once been this man's student and had seen him as something of an uncle-figure never once entered her mind.

Lupin gave a loud growl followed by an earsplitting howl. This showed that the author did know canon even if it was just the simple fact that Lupin is a werewolf. Hermione continued to rock her hips and grinned at Lupin's reaction. She was shocked when he suddenly stopped her.

"What is it?" she asked sweetly as she pushed his hair out of his eyes.

"Are you a virgin?" he asked.

"Of course," she replied. "Who else would I have slept with?"

Lupin nodded. "Ah, well I must be going then." He pushed Hermione aside and got up. "Besides, it's a full moon in a month and I must be getting ready for that."

"But Professor!" she yelled. "That's not…it's not…" At this she burst into tears.

"Oh, there, there," he said. He reached into his robes and pulled out a piece of Honeyduke's chocolate. "Here, have some chocolate. It'll help."

He walked out of the room and left her sitting there in the dark. She bit into her chocolate and her tears immediately stopped. _I wonder what Draco's doing…_ she thought. She stood up and left the room to find out.

**Please review!**


	5. The NonCanon Chapter

**Chapter 5: The Non-Canon Chapter**

Hermione walked into the common room she shared with Draco and was stunned to find who she found there. Who she found was not the sexy blonde Slytherin she had been searching for but the sexy dark-haired Gryffindor she had not been searching for. He was sitting on the couch playing with one of the pillows that had a lion and a snake playing together on it. He jumped up and ran toward Hermione.

When he reached her he grabbed her by the shoulders and stared at her. He took a deep breath and said, "Thank God I found you, Hermione!"

"But…you didn't find me…" she said. "I walked into the room and you were sitting on the couch playing with that pillow…" She looked over at the pillow on the couch. "Did you bewitch the lion to eat the snake?"

"That's not important right now!" Harry yelped, slapping her across the face. "Hermione, I have to confess my undying love for you!"

"But…what?"

"Yes, I have to tell you that I'm completely in love with you," he said quickly, "and I always have been even though I've never showed any type of romantic interest in you and even though we have a plainly platonic brother/sister type relationship. And although all the canon interactions point to the fact that you and Ron like each other and I clearly know this as a fact I just _have _to tell you that I'm in love with you."

He exhaled and shook her slightly. He looked at her expectantly with raised eyebrows. She closed her eyes. Then she opened them again. Then she closed them again. And then opened them yet again.

She paused and then said, "Alright."

"Well, I suppose this is the part where we…kiss," Harry said, gulping.

"Yes, I suppose it is," Hermione said shakily.

Harry shifted a bit and looked at her. She looked back. He moved his head closer to her. She involuntarily moved hers back away from him. She was just about to tell him that maybe it wasn't such a good idea for them to kiss when he connected their lips.

This kiss was very short. Probably only point zero zero zero zero zero three seconds long. The reason it was so short is that right when the kiss started, both participants pulled away and vomited onto the floor.

Harry and Hermione looked at each other.

"That was…" Harry began.

"Disgusting," Hermione offered.

"Exactly."

"Well, I'll be seeing you," Hermione said to Harry.

"Yes," Harry said. "I do love you, you know. But only as a friend."

"Same here."

"Why do people insist on saying that we like each other then?" he asked.

"We may never know, Harry," she said. "We may never know."

With a nod he opened the door and left her alone in the common room. She lay on the couch in a provocative position and waited for Draco to return.

**I know this chapter is super short. And it's not funny. But I needed to update and as I'm completely against the H/Hr ship it was quite hard to write about it. The next chapter will be longer and hopefully funnier. I'm thinking either "The Angsty Chapter" or "The Déjà Vu Chapter" (which will be about the Ginny/Harry ship). Please review and in the reviews tell me which one you'd rather have.**


	6. The Emo Chapter

**WARNING: This chapter contains suicidal content. Please note that I'm not making fun of suicide. Suicide is a very serious thing and I in no way want to make it seem like I find it funny. This is meant to make fun of over-dramatic angsty fics that are ridiculously way too woe-is-me. **

**I know before I said I was going to call this "The Angsty Chapter" but I decided to rename it. To get this chapter you have to have read some really bad angst fics.**

**Chapter 6: The Emo Chapter**

Hermione entered the Gryffindor common room. She still hadn't found Draco and therefore hadn't been able to make sweet, sweet reformed bad boy loveto him. Oh, who was she kidding?She wanted to ride that boy like a rollercoaster.She did, however, find Harry. But the Harry she found wasn't the Harry she was used to. The Harry she found wasn't the I'll-Be-Damned-If-I'm-Going-To-Let-That-Fascist-Take-Over-The-Wizarding-World Harry. He was a Blubbering-Shell-Of-A-Man-Weeping-In-The-Corner-Like-A-Little-Girl Harry.

Hermione hurried over to him. She knelt down beside him with the essence of her womanhood in full view because of the fact that she wasn't wearing any underwear and because she had her legs spread wide like…something that's spread really wide.

"What's wrong, Harry?" she asked consolingly, as if she were wearing panties.

"Oh, Hermione!" Harry yelped, hugging himself. "I'm sooooooo depressed! My soul is black! It's black like a smoker's lungs! Woe is me. Oh, woe is me!"

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "Tell me what's wrong!"

"Leave Hermione!" Harry whined in a tiny voice. "It's not safe for you to be near me."

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" Hermione asked bewildered whilst the author hopes the readers notice her clever use of British profanity.

"Everyone I love dies!" he cried, pulling himself into a tighter hug. He lay down on the floor in the fetal position. Tears flowed from his bright green eyes and then fell into small beautiful sad puddles under him. Depressing piano music began to play lightly in the background as he began to shake from his uncontrollable sobbing.

Hermione rolled her eyes at the author.

"That's not true!" she said. "Believe me, I know. I know everything, remember? Don't think that just because I've developed this amazing body and straightened my hair that that's changed. Because I'll tell you, it hasn't. I'm still as smart as I was when I was flat-chested and bushy-haired and--"

"Hermione!" Harry interrupted. "Do you mind? I'm trying to have an angsty emotional breakdown here."

"Oh sorry…" she coughed. "But really, that's not true."

"Yes it is!" Harry muttered. "First my parents get killed by that minion of the devil, Voldemort. Then Cedric met the same fate. Then Sirius gets knocked into that curtain thing. If only he'd been gay and knew more about home economics…maybe I'd have my godfather again…" he sniffled. "Andasif that wasn't bad enough,now Dumbledore's gone too! You could be next Hermione! So leave now before I kill you with my love!"

"I…wait a minute," she replied. "You loved Cedric?"

"Well, he was quite handsome and…no!" he yelped.

"But you just said…"

"Forget what I said!" Harry yelled, spitting slightly. "I couldn't bear it if I caused your death too. Maybe I should just kill myself. That would fix everything. Isn't that what they say? Suicide fixes everything?"

"I don't think suicide fixes anything, Harry," she answered.

"Oh, what do you know?" Harry asked bitterly. "Have you ever killed yourself?"

"Honestly, Harry!" she exclaimed.

"Just go so I can go slit my wrists in the bathtub!" Harry wailed. "Down the street not across the yard, right?"

"I'm not leaving until you agree not to kill yourself," Hermione said.

Harry sobbed into the floor. "Just-hand-me-my-black-eyeliner-and-razorblade-and-get-the-fuck-out!"

"NO!"

Harry rolled from his right side (which he was laying on) to his left and then back to the right again. He repeated this motion over and over. Then he began to chant "Why, God, why!" over and over. Hermione stood up with exasperation.

"Harry, you've got to snap out of it!" she said. "You're life is not that bad! I mean…_sure _everyone you've ever seen as a parental figure has been horribly murdered. And _sure_, the darkest wizard of all time would love nothing more than to see you dead and impaled by something very sharp…"

Harry was now weeping harder than ever and still rocking back and forth on his sides. With Hermione's words he let out a loud cry and began rocking so hard that he was unable to stop himself and was now rolling speedily across the room toward the wall on the other side of the room.

"And _sure_," she continued, "you're seventeen years old and still a virgin but anyone would want to change places with you, _really_."

At this statement Harry abruptly stopped rolling and chanting and looked up at Hermione. "What?" he said. "I'm not a virgin."

Hermione adverted her eyes away from him. "Okay," she mumbled.

"I'm not!" he protested.

"Okay."

"Really!"

"Okay."

"I've had sex.

"Okay."

"I've had sex with lots of women."

"Okay."

"And they liked it too!"

"Okay."

"I've hit it from the front, the back, and both sides all at the same time!"

"Alright, Harry!" Hermione shouted. "Now that you seemed to be out of your Everything-Happens-Because-Of-Me-And-I-Must-Kill-Myself-To-Make-It-All-Better mood, I've got to go find someone."

As she walked out of the room she heard Harry calling, "Wait! I didn't get to dramatically slide down the wall while tears stream down my cheeks as I cover my face desperately with my hands and shake almost seizure-like!" But she chose to ignore him.

When she got into the hallway she was shocked to find Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown kissing elaborately like lesbians with their arms around each other in the middle of the hallway.

"Hey!" she shouted, pushing out her chest so they could see her Head Girl badge, which looked miniscule pinned to the fabric (sort of) covering her enormous breast. "What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing!"

They both stared at her.

"Um…well, you see," Lavender replied, "Parvati had something stuck in her teeth and…"

"Do I look stupid to you?" Hermione cut in. "You don't go snogging in the hallways where everyone can see you! That's what randomly placed broom closets, empty classrooms, and inexplicably conjoined common rooms/bathrooms are for! Now shoo!" The author again hopes that the readers notice her knowledge of British lingo.

They obeyed her and Hermione set off to continue her search for Draco.

**I know this is kind of short but it's all I got. I had to write this chapter three times because the first two times my disks decided that they hate me and unformatted themselves. The first version was hilarious. I'm not sure if you find this funny or not. But I tried. Hopefully, chapter seven will be funnier. Please review.**

**The next chapter will be called "The Déjà Vu Chapter" and will be making fun of Harry/Ginny fics. I don't know when I'll have it up because I've got to do some research but I hope it won't take long. I think for chapter eight I'm going to do what I feel is the dumbest, most ridiculous concept on this site: Male-Pregnancy. **


	7. The Anatomically Impossible Chapter

**I know I said "The Déjà vu Chapter" would be next but it's proving very difficult to write. So here is the chapter about male-pregnancy. **

**Chapter 7: The Anatomically Impossible Chapter**

Hermione bounded into an empty classroom, still in search of Draco. Unfortunately, it again wasn't Draco who she found. It was also unfortunate that whom she did find happened to again be a weeping male. Remus Lupin sat curled in the corner nibbling on some chocolate with streaming wet tears cascading down his intelligently sad cheeks with…

Hermione tapped her foot impatiently waiting for the author to finish her sickening detailed description of Lupin's tears.

…what could only be described as surge of sad water. (For reference see my other fic _Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title_).

"Not you too!" Hermione exclaimed.

"What do you mean, 'Not me too'?" he sniffled.

"I just got done consoling another sniveling shell of a man," she said, "now I have to do you too?"

"Who else is a sniveling shell of a man?" Lupin asked, tears still sliding down his face.

"Harry," she answered. "He was crying like a baby and planning to kill himself earlier."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she replied. "He's wearing girl pants too. It's not pretty." _(AN: I actually think some guys are hot in girl pants…but that's just me.)_

She strutted toward her former professor and knelt down beside him. "So what's up with you?"

Lupin's bottom lip trembled. "Well…it's…it's Sirius. I just miss him so much. I just don't know how I'm going to go on without him. This past year has been hell. And to top it all off, I just found out I'm pregnant!"

"What!" Hermione gasped.

"I know," Lupin said. "It's terrible. We never told anyone this, but the truth is that Sirius and I weren't just best friends, Hermione. Sirius was also my lover."

"What!" she gasped again.

"Yes," he said, nodding. "And boy what a lover he was. He could hit it doggy style like no other…"

"Okay!" Hermione exclaimed while the preteen author hopes the readers get her double meaning with the phrase "doggy style"…because Sirius could turn into a dog…get it? She eagerly prays for laughter at this even though the only reason she herself knows what "doggy style" means is because she heard her older brother talking about it on the phone while she hid in the closet with a notebook and a pen taking elaborate notes.

"So you're pregnant and Sirius is the father?" Hermione asked. "Or the mother?…Or…wait…" Hermione was trying to be helpful but she was a little confused by the fact that since Sirius died over a year ago the baby couldn't possibly be his. And even if it was in fact his then the baby should have been born months ago. Though all these thoughts tumbled around in her brain the fact that Lupin's a MAN didn't even enter her mind. But because the author decided to ignore these little fact Hermione decided to just blow past it. "What about Tonks?" she asked.

"What about her?"

"Aren't you two together?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, we are," Lupin said, looking down at the floor and nibbling on his chocolate. "And bless her, she tries. But she just isn't the same as my Siri. And the way she calls me 'Lupy Poopy' the way he used to just tears me up. And the sex…oh Lord, is it hard to be with a woman. Since I'm apparently the more effeminate of Sirius and I, I was always on the receiving end and it's just damn impossible to change now. It's just difficult to go from being the fuckee to the fucker, Hermione. Since you're a virgin you don't know anything about that yet but someday you'll understand."

Hermione averted her eyes. "Yes…virgin…right…of course," she muttered. "Who would I have slept with?"

Hermione actually was not a virgin. She was very far from it. In fact, if there was such a thing as a Hymen Graveyard, the gravestone marked "Hermione Granger's Hymen" would be old, chipped, and covered in cobwebs. Though Hermione's vagina was not covered in cobwebs because apparently in the fanfic world she gets more dick than Elizabeth Montgomery. Actual author of this parody wonders how many people will get that. If you do get it I applaud you.

I'm getting sidetracked.

At this, Lupin burst into another fit of sobs.

"Come on," Hermione said, lifting Lupin off the floor. "Come to the Gryffindor common room and I'll make you some tea." She was making tea because that's what British people drink. Not coffee…no sir. Coffee is for Americans and we'll be having none of that in a fic about British characters. Will we? No we won't.

When they reached the common room Hermione sat Lupin down on the couch. Soon after Harry, Ron, and Ginny entered through the portrait hole after an excellent day of Quidditch Practice/Chess Playing/Death Eater Ass-Kicking. After hearing the heartbreaking story, the three of them completely understood and Harry had no weird feelings whatsoever about the fact that his godfather and former teacher had had a torrid homosexual love affair.

"There's something else you should know," Lupin said. They all waited in suspense. Lupin paused for effect. "I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant?" Harry repeated.

"Yes," Lupin replied. "I'm pregnant. I'm with child. I'm expecting. I've got a bun in the oven. I'm knocked up…"

"Okay, okay!" Harry interrupted. "I get it!"

The author hopes the readers don't notice her lack of knowledge on all British phrases because if they do they'll see that Lupin just said, "I'm pregnant. I'm with child. I'm expecting. I've got a bun in the oven. I'm awake…"

No one questioned the fact that Lupin, a MAN, was pregnant with another MAN's baby. Apparently our dear preteen author needs to go have a talk with her mommy and daddy about where babies come from.

"Wait!" Ginny said. "You don't have a pussy!"

"Having a pussy's got nothing to do with it," Hermione said, petting Crookshanks. _(AN: I realize I've used that joke before in an earlier chapter but it makes me chuckle so I did it again. It's my fic, I can do what I want.)_

Ron didn't say anything because the author apparently forgot he was there.

"Hold it," Lupin said. "How am I supposed to give birth to this kid?"

"That doesn't really matter," Hermione said. "The author is most likely a twelve year old girl who is obviously oblivious when it comes to human anatomy and simple reproductive organs. She will probably ignore the fact that you don't have a uterus, a cervix, or a vaginal canal. So you better be prepared to push this baby out of your ass!"

Lupin's lip quivered and he burst into tears again.

Hermione, who couldn't take the sight of another man crying charged out of the room to look for Draco some more.

**I don't really know about this chapter. Some parts I liked, others I didn't. It definitely not my favorite chapter.**

**Coming soon…"The Mary-Sue Chapter," "The If-I-Could-Turn-Back-Time Chapter," a Lily/James chapter, and eventually "The Déjà vu Chapter."**

**Please review. Also, I'd like suggestions.**


	8. The Mary Sue Chapter

**I was going to do a whole chapter called "The Grammatically Incorrect Chapter" making fun of the horrible use of structure and ignorance of Spellchecker that a lot of fanfic writers have but I just couldn't force myself to endure having to write like that for a whole chapter so I decided to make fun of it by adding a summary to this chapter. Oh, and bear in mind, I completely understand that sometimes you don't catch certain things when proofreading (I do it a lot myself). And although I'm complimented on having pretty good grammar, I understand that not everyone has the best spelling abilities but there's no excuse for having half your words misspelled. **

**Oh, and when I say "the author" I'm meaning the people who write the fics that I'm making fun of. When I say "the real author" I mean myself. By "real author" I don't mean that I'm an actual writer and others are not, I just mean the real author of this fic. I'm eighteen not twelve. Just to clear things up…**

**Thanks so much to all you who review. You rock my "Fraggle Rock" shirt (that I'm wearing right now).**

**CHICKENS of DOOM**- I definitely applaud you. I'm so glad you got the joke. I love your reviews.

Chapter 8: The Mary Sue Chapter 

A/N: So lyk this is my v first fic so be super nice n dont flame, k? I lyk totally suk at sumarys so lyk jus read my fic, k? My stories bout this gurl who lyk cums 2 hogwarts n shes lyk totally pretty n hary lyk falls in luv wit her cuz shes so pretty n harys lyk so hott. But shes so not a marysue so lyk review for me, k?

It was a cold day at Hogwarts and everybody was in the Great Hall where they were eating breakfast. Hermione had yet to find Draco and was becoming increasingly desperate. In the middle of their meal Dumbledore (who either was not actually dead at the end of the last book or had come back to life) interrupted the students. Of course, there's also the possibility that the author could have possibly just ignored book six altogether and decided that canon did not apply to her fic-writing. Or the author may have just seen all the movies and never read even a paragraph of any of the books, and assumed she knew enough of canon to write a proper fic. Dumbledore arose and motioned for silence.

"Silence!" he called, while motioning. (Or if you watch the DVD of the first movie in Spanish you can see him yell out "Silencio!") "I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner," he said, although it was seven thirty in the morning and the author just stated that they were having breakfast not dinner. "But we have a new transfer student from America for me to introduce."

As if magically (author grins at what she feels is clever use of the word "magic" in a fic about witches and wizards) an astounding, amazingly beautiful, gorgeous, magnificent, glorious, angel-esque, astonishing, eloquent, stunning, elegant, dazzling, lovely, striking, radiant, graceful, alluring, unbearably attractive girl appeared beside Dumbledore while the author returned to her mother's office the four thesauruses and two dictionaries it took to describe said girl.

"This," continued Dumbledore, "is Whitney Helena Orana Regina Elaine Riddle."

All the boys in the Great Hall gasped and attempted to hide their erections at the site of the girl. Even some of the girls were awed by her breath-taking appearance. They too were covering their erections. Whitney Helena Orana Regina Elaine Riddle was the most beautiful girl they'd ever seen. She had long knee-length golden/sunny/beaming locks of shiny hair and purple/green/gray/yellow/blue/orange/black-and-white-stripped eyes that changed color depending on the weather or her clothes or her mood or her menstruation cycle.

She was slim (but not too slim) with exactly the right size breasts and a perfect butt and great legs. She was also tan but not too tan. And she had not a trace of acne. Not one pimple. Also, she had her bellybutton pierced (unlike the author because her mother won't let her get that done until she's sixteen which is so totally not fair because like everybody has it done and it makes the author like a total loser because she wants to be like everyone else). She also had a sexy butterfly tattoo on her lower back just like the author is going to get when she turns eighteen.

"First things first," said Dumbledore, ignoring Millicent Bulstrode's moans of arousal. "Professor McGonagall, please bring the Sorting Hat."

Professor McGonagall did bring the Sorting Hat. She placed it on top of Whitney's perfect little head. The hat was silent for a long time because it was very difficult for it to decide what house Whitney belonged in because she was more cunning than the most cunning Slytherin and braver than the bravest Gryffindor. She was also smarter than the smartest Ravenclaw and more loyal than the most loyal Hufflepuff. But eventually the hat decided that she was too nice to be in Slytherin and too pretty to be in Ravenclaw and too cool to be in Hufflepuff so it then yelled out the inevitable…

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Whitney gracefully made her way to the Gryffindor table where she sat down next to Hermione. Hermione sneered slightly and went to exchange disgusted looks with Harry and Ron when she noticed they were both staring at her.

"So Whitney," Harry said suavely, "you're from America?"

"Yes," she replied with the sweetest voice that had ever penetrated anyone's ears ever. "But I have British relations."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she said. "I'm Dumbledore's granddaughter actually. And I'm Snape's niece and Voldemort's daughter and McGonagall's sister-in-law and Draco Malfoy's aunt and Viktor Krum's roommate's ex-girlfriend and Sirius Black's pimp and Lavender Brown's first lesbian experience and Oliver Wood's Quidditch coach and Cho Chang's best friend and Parvati's mother's co-worker's sister's husband's ex-fiance's daughter's godfather's dog walker's babysitter. Oh, and Dobby's cousin."

"Wow," said Ron. "You must be really powerful then."

"I am," she said in a non-bragging sort of way. "I can do wand-less magic and I'm an expert at silent spells. Also, I'm an Animagus. I can turn into a butterfly, a swan, a doe (a deer, a female deer), a kitten, a tiger, a mermaid, and a ladybug. I can also perform a perfect Patronus and I can do Occlumency and Legilimens. I'm can expertly Apparate and Disapparate without any problems and I'm also very good at Quidditch. I'm an excellent Seeker, Beater, Chaser, and Keeper."

The author is extremely pleased with herself. She hopes the readers will think she's super smart and has read the books because she knows the names of the Quidditch positions. The real reason she knows them is because she asked that weird girl with black hair who paints her nails black and wears black eye makeup who sits behind her in Chemistry that always wears those Harry Potter shirts from Hot Topic.

Hermione glanced at Harry who had hearts in his eyes. She snapped her fingers in front of his face but he could not take his eyes off Whitney.

"Whitney!" he said. "I'm in love with you! I always have been even though I just met you not five minutes ago. Make love to me right here on this very table in front of everyone please!"

"Oh, Harry!" Whitney swooned. "I'm in love with you too. But how distraught I am! It cannot be, Harry. Because…well…I'm your long lost twin sister!"

"What?" everyone in the Great Hall exclaimed.

"Yes," she said sadly. "When we were born there was a…" She paused. "…prophecy that said…" Pause. "…that I would be…" Pause. "…killed by Voldemort." No one was shocked by the fact that Whitney was able to say You-Know-Who's name when there are very few people who can.

"But why were you sent away?" Hermione asked.

"For my own protection," said Whitney.

"If it's in a prophecy then it doesn't matter where you are," said Hermione smartly. "It's still going to happen. Haven't you learned anything from reading mythology?"

"I don't read," Whitney said. "Reading's for losers. Why do you think the author just watches the movies?" She rolled her eyes at Hermione for being logical and went on. "But yes, Harry. I can't be with you because you're my brother…unless…" She eyed him with raised eyebrows. "Unless you want to take a little trip over to adultfanfiction and wander into an incest fic…"

Harry vomited. "No thanks," he said. "I'll leave all that fun to Fred and George."

The day went on and what a fulfilling day at Hogwarts it was for Whitney too. She had not one flaw. This apparently caused her to be lacking in the sexual morals department because in the duration of this day she slept with almost every male she ran into. Even Hagrid. And Professor Grubbly-Plank who I am convinced is a lesbian. That night in the common room she was sitting on the couch naked painting her nails.

"Hey Whitney," Hermione said. "Since you're such a great Animagus…why don't you show us your talents."

"Sure!" Whitney replied. "What would you like me to turn into?"

"How about that lady bug?" she suggested.

"Okay," she said. She stood up, took a deep breath, and expertly turned into a sparkling ladybug. Hermione promptly stepped on her.

**Please review.**

**There's something special about Whitney's name. It not hard to figure out but I'm wondering how many people will notice it.**


	9. The Singalong Chapter

**So…hi. I'm back. I know it's been a few years…and I do apologize. Shit happens. **

**Chapter 9: The Singalong Chapter**

Hermione was wandering around the halls of Hogwarts still desperately trying to find Draco. She'd asked everyone if they'd seen him. Crabbe said that he had but he would only tell her where Draco was at if Hermione flashed him. She did, but the second she lifted her shirt Crabbe fainted, having never seen a woman's breasts before.

Hermione was getting irritated and went back to the common room she shared with Draco. She turned on her Muggle radio, even though technology doesn't work inside Hogwarts. Sinead O'Connor was singing "Nothing Compares 2 U" and Hermione curled up on the couch and wept along with the music…even though the lyrics had nothing to do with her predicament.

_It's been seven hours and fifteen days  
Since you took your love away  
I go out every night and sleep all day  
Since you took your love away  
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want  
I can see whomever I choose  
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant  
But nothing  
I said nothing can take away these blues  
`Cause nothing compares  
Nothing compares to you  
_

"Notttthhhhhingggg compaaaaares toooo youuuu!" Hermione belted along with the music. She was just debating on whether to ask Harry if she could use his old eye-liner and razorblades when right at that moment Draco conveniently entered the common room. Hermione looked up, her face moist like a moist towelet. "Draco! Where have you been? I've been looking for you everywhere! It's been so lonely without you here. Like a bird without a song. Nothing can stop these tears from falling. Tell me, baby. Where did I go wrong?"

_It's been so lonely without you here  
Like a bird without a song  
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling  
Tell me baby where did I go wrong  
I could put my arms around every boy I see  
But they'd only remind me of you  
I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me  
Guess what he told me  
He said girl u better try to have fun  
No matter what you do  
But he's a fool  
`Cause nothing compares  
Nothing compares to you_

The music then paused politely so that Draco could answer. "Hermione," Draco said, wincing at the music and Hermione's attempts to sing along. "I've come to tell you that we can never be."_  
_  
_All the flowers that you planted, mama  
In the back yard  
All died when you went away  
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard  
But I'm willing to give it another try_

"But why, Draco, why?" Hermione whined.

"It's just not meant to be," Draco replied, turning dramatically away from her and balling his hand into a fist in front of his mouth. "I'm a Slytherin, you're a Gryffindor. I'm a Death Eater, you're a Mudblood. I'm sexy, you're just average. I'm a boy, you're a girl. It's just not going to work."

"But, Draco!" Hermione cried. "Nothing compares to you!"

"Hermione," Draco said. "It will never work…Of course…we could have an It's-Not-Going-To-Work Shag…"

Hermione thought for a moment. Draco sat next to her on the couch. "You're disgusting," Draco drawled. Hermione melted and began taking off her shirt.

"I loathe you with every bone in my body," Draco sneered. Hermione unclasped her bra.

"Wait a minute," she said. "Did you think I wanted to have a relationship with you?"

Draco looked confused. "Didn't you?"

"No," she said. "I just wanted to fuck…"

"Oh," Draco said. "Well…uh…Wait…why don't you want to date me? I'm perfect. Eveyone wants to date me. How could you resist my charm?"

"Like you said," Hermione replied. "We're too different. You're an evil Slytherin, I'm a brave Gryffindor. I'm a talented Muggle-born witch, you're a nasty little full-blood fucker…Anyway, I think I've changed my mind about the fucking. If you want to get into my pants you're going to have to be more of a dick." She got up from the couch and walked out of the room without realizing she hadn't put her clothes back on.

When all was quiet again the author realized the radio had been paused for quite some time and the music started up again.

_Nothing compares  
Nothing compares to you  
Nothing compares  
Nothing compares to you  
Nothing compares  
Nothing compares to you_

"Hermione!" Draco called after her. "Nothing compares to you!"

She didn't hear him. She was on her way to find Ron.

Draco ran into his bedroom in tears, he flung himself onto his heart-shaped bed. The impact of his body triggered the vibration sequence.

**A/N: This chapter's not my best…it's been a while since I've written anything so I hope it wasn't too below your expectations. Again, I apologize for the ridiculous lapse in time. Please review.**


End file.
